The Bursar

Dear Tuition Man,

Well first, I'm not sure if you are male or not, I just assumed for some strange reason. Men and money. Hmmmm? Like if Donald Trump were to make a couple billion on the side, would he say, "I need to get into that college tuition MARKET." Somewhere, someone put a monetary value on "In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue" and someone else said, "I really need people to know about that Columbus guy for my high paying job as a cog-maker" and then that first someone said, "Oh well, you know we are the best at teaching people about that Columbus fella. Just look at all the people who went here and work at your company. Why don't you give us some money to keep teaching about that guy and other explorers/rapists" and the second guy said, "Great idea. And name that library after me while you're at it." And then the lowly graduate student gets a so-called highly prestigious fellowship that puts her just mere dollars above the poverty line and then the first someone said, "Well, you can have more. Just tell the undergrads about this Columbus fella. Work so much you can barely get your own work done without developing issues with your eyesight, blood pressure, and overall fat-ass-ness. And we'll give you more money to write an article or two about him and other murderers. And then you can go run that cog-making factory and tell everyone how you went here and how great we are." Or at least I think it went like that.

Signed,
Lowly Grad Student

On dating white people...

I have to put a few disclaimers out there before I get into the list. I can say that I have done the Jesse Jackson Rainbow Coalition of dating just about every color in the rainbow. There were times that I said no to white men because I figured the revolution would not be televised nor would it tolerate me with a white man. But then I watched that damn movie, “Something New” and it got me thinking and I opened the door to white men again. I need to also put my finger on the pulse of whiteness in the Bay for all the folks not from around here. It’s different. I mean, really different. You have older white folks reveling in their days kicking it with Marty, jr. chatting about the direction Marxist thought is going these days. You have younger white folks singing about Babylon while coming from their yoga class on their way to make samozas for the Sabbath. Trust me, it’s different out here. And I ain’t mad at them…typically…unless they have locks and that’s another story. Otherwise, they’re great: voting for Obama; expressing their disdain for charity, celebrity, and conservatism; saving the whales and stopping the spray. Bless them! Lastly, I had to convince B that I didn’t think he is racist. Now that all of that is taken care of, here are top ten things that I have learned or am now able to put into words by dating white people:

10. Racist thought is masked under the guise of getting to know people of color: “He is Latino so he learned to be sexist. It’s a cultural difference.”

9. Not all people of color (especially Cubans, Nicaraguans, Salvadorans, North Koreans and South Vietnamese) are pinko-commies or riding that liberal/radical train: “I don’t know what Clarence Thomas’ problem is. Isn’t he Black?”

8. Or that when people of color express these viewpoints, there are repercussions unlike those that white people receive: “If I were a Sandinista, I would just tell the world. I wouldn’t hide it.”

7. White folks (okay, most folks in this country) are a little clueless when it comes to maps, history, etc. as evidenced in this actual question that one asked me: “When was your family freed from slavery? I bet they were freed and then they could come to the United States. Maybe thirty years ago.”

6. It isn’t cute, funny, or entertaining in any way for White folks, especially the likes of the wealthy ones, to joke about the ghetto, hood, or the third world with phrases such as “that’s so ghetto.”

5. Green is not included as one of the colors in “people of color.” Nixing the car for a bike or paying top dollar to make my home more energy efficient are at the bottom of my “Things to Do to Save the World List” where “End Poverty, War, and Hunger” lead the way. And yes I know they are intertwined but I’m too busy trying to get these kids to stop shooting each other right now, so I need the quick (and cheap) answer.

4. When people of color watch the news, it is with specific questions in mind: “Do I need to use an alias?” “Are they trying to deport me again?” “Do I have to pay more for something?” “Are they going to bug me about joining the military again?” Jon Stewart, Steve Colbert, Bill Maher…all great political satirists (and I enjoy watching them) but sometimes that ish isn’t funny, especially when it directly affects you.

3. Those deep dinner conversations about the effects of slavery or the Hurricane Katrina aftermath make a meal damn un-appetizing.

2. One person of color does not rep for the rest of us. I can’t tell you if we prefer Black/African American or Chicano/Latino/Hispanic/Brown. As for me, I don’t care, as long as it doesn’t sound like this: “I work with a Black, oops I mean, African American [pause to look at me while waiting for a nod of acceptance that they aren’t going to get] man who is just delightful.” Now what do you reply to that? “That’s great” seems to suffice.

1. Even the most hippy-dippy, radical white person thinks in some way that there is an iota of truth to stereotypes. So for the last time, Black people are not inherently good at running and jumping because in Africa they have no choice but to run and jump from wildebeests or some other survival of the fittest mess; not all Latinos speak Spanish and no English, are day-laborers, or undocumented (if we believe everything we are told then there are like five people left in Mexico); and Asians are not inherently good at Math and Science because their parents push them harder than anyone else and because Math and Science are the same in any language (it’s not, ask the Egyptians).

Summer Hiatus

Sorry for the July hiatus, kids. July was just too exciting to do one blog so I didn't do any. Here are my top ten questions for the month of July (and some August):

10. Who is the alcoholic making new flavors for Orbit chewing gum?
9. And how can I get that job?
8. If the writers were on strike in the fall and we had to deal with re-runs, why do they get another vacation and we have to deal with re-runs again?
7. Why can't Jesse Jackson zip his lip? He is the same guy that advised Pres. Clinton about infidelity and it came out that the good reverend was cheating and then he did this entire campaign to stop the n-word only to use in reference to the good senator Obama on Fox News.
6. Since when did Fox News edit something (Jesse and the n-word) to our benefit?
5. Manny Rodriguez might as well play for the damn devil. Okay, not a question, but I had to put that in there.
4. Don't trans fats make doughnuts extra yummy? Thanks, governator.
3. Since Hillary dropped out, can I still be mad at her?
2. Did the Hiltons get their money back from the McCain campaign?
1. And can I have it? This player could use 4Gs.

Bluetooth

To take from the homie, Aaron McGruder of the Boondocks, a "nigga device" is one that you can not hook up to a printer. Thus, the Bluetooth is a nigga device. For all the people I see wearing those things, I have yet to see one, just one, actually receive the call s/he so seems intent on getting. For anyone who knows me, you may have heard me clown a time or two on the blinking blue light seen in the ear of someone in a movie theater, the store, or while giving a lecture at a large public university in the Bay Area (hint, hint). But it is especially poignant to mention my favorite nigga device on the eve of the greatest conspiracy ever devised. It includes Apple, the California Highway Patrol and I'll throw in Rudy Giulliani for good measure. It's the new handsfree cell phone while driving law, in effect tomorrow. I decided to try "handsfree living" for a few days and found it to be virtually impossible with the iPhone unless I walked around with my headphones in, never hooked it up to the car for the iPod portion, and am already on the phone as answering, and even hanging up the phone would require one's hands. I am not opposed to safe driving and I also realize this is just a gripe about my iPhone, another nigga device. But I will not cave and buy a Bluetooth! And I also will not be answering my phone.

Vielka Vernacular

Add this to Webster or Rogets (and you only get a little bit at a time):

Negra-free Zone=most of San Francisco and Marin counties
ex: I have to hit up Bloomingdales in the Negra-Free Zone.

Celia Cruz Face=what Black women look like when we get our make-up done at mall counters (much love and respect to Celia Cruz though)
ex: I got Celia Cruz Face when I got my make-up done for a wedding.

Too Oprah=acting like money can change everything
ex: Magic Johnson is way too Oprah with Magic Fridays, Magic's Starbucks, and Magic's theater in Crenshaw.

Jolie-ified=trying too hard to be multi-cultural
ex: They Jolie-ified the party with lumpia, chips & salsa, and a samba band.

Don't Taze Me, Bro=ease up
ex: Person 1--You seem to enjoy eating a lot. Person 2--Don't taze me, bro! I have a high metabolism.

Michelle Obama=homegirl/road dog
ex: My Michelle Obama is the only one who told me I looked fat in those jeans.

Super-Size Me=over 6'5"
ex: I only want to date someone who is super size-me so I can wear heels sometimes.

Revolution!=Yes or I agree or see you later or hello or thank you or you're welcome; it means most anything and may now be televised
ex: The Lakers need to quit feeling sorry for themselves and get more than one decent player. Revolution!

Online Dating

Although I can't be any happier with who I found online, I do have to emphasize that it took more than two years of buying into those commercials oozing with romance, smiles, and that creepy Dr. Warren's voice from eHarmony. So I decided to save the homegirls a little time and money (sorry fellas, you all seem to be on a different level when it comes to dating online and sorry for being heterosexist here as well). So here are the top ten things to watch out for and remember when dating online!

10. Online dating is a business. They do not really care if you find your soul mate, otherwise that ish would be free. So making you be extra strict about your criteria is all about getting that skrilla! Besides, think about your last great relationship. Didn't you have some interesting differences that most people wouldn't describe as "compatible" or whatever other coded word that really just means, "the same"? Snooze!

9. Dudes can't communicate. This isn't rocket science but this makes things interesting online where communication is key. Ironic? So you absolutely have to read through things, ask hella questions, and call folks out!

8. A guy who is 35, never married, with the fresh job and living quarters, who surfs/rock climbs/ saves the dolphins on the weekend, has dated a lot but just can't find the right combination of smarts, beauty, independence and volunteerism...is single for a reason. He is really just waiting for Angelina Jolie to be single. Leave dude alone.

7. Really look at those pictures. I mean really look. Dudes have some weird sense of how they should put themselves out there. So you'll find the obligatory pictures: at the office being mad diligent and responsible (good for you, player!); with the homies having a good time (cheers, suckas!); and with hella well-endowed multi-cultural sistas at Hooters, an A's game, or Target (what the?!) Come on, man! Or there is one picture of dude hella far away on Mt. Everest and the rest of the pictures are of a dog, butterflies, or Harleys. Not attractive. Leave dude alone. Also be wary of the pictures where dude is not smiling (he is toothless or has mega-jacked up teeth or no sense of humor) or is not standing next to anything that one can use as a reference point (he is hella short).

6. When the online dating page has preset questions, trust your instincts with the responses. So when dude is asked "name five of the most important aspects/things in your life" and dude can't say one human (e.g. cell phone, Wall St. Journal, etc.), leave dude alone.

5. No picture, no date! And conversely, be sure to put up pictures of yourself and when dude asks you to send him more, leave dude alone.

4. The online dating is the dating. Remember when you were asked out in the grocery store and dude asked questions like: what do you do? where are you from? It's not to say that the first meeting isn't another date and you should take it slow, because you absolutely should, but make conversation that goes deeper, rather than repeating getting to know you ish.

3. Remember, some dudes will pay hella money under the guise of online dating and say they are on some long-term ish, but really just be looking for a piece of ass for the night. You know who dude is. Kindly refer him to the "Casual Encounters" page on Craigslist and remind him that it is free.

2. Don't let dude rationalize anything. If you don't want to date a 55 year old fisherman in Alaska, then you don't have to. Period. No explanations.

1. We are in the Bay Area. This means that you'll get some dudes who are into Rastas and Buddhists or pre-surgery, post-hormones guys/girls or Silicon Valley techies. That's love. But then you'll see white dudes who want "sexy sistas only" or "china dolls" or "spicy J.Lo-like Latinas." They are pigs. The bottom line is that you can totally take advantage of all that the Bay is selling, get to know someone you would have never interacted with before, without judgement! It's all good.

Levees

I am just wondering what one has to do (or better, not do) to be a levee-builder. Or maybe those things don't work! We had the levees in New Orleans bust open a few years ago and now the Mid-west looks more like Venice than anywhere else. Or maybe folks weren't prepared for the end of the world this early (thanks Al Gore!). That's it...just a quick note to encourage folks to save the planet.