The Atlantic, Final

I've finally put together a cohesive thought so here goes. I'm going to think about two words in the title, "Why Women Still Can't Have It All": have and all.

1) Having things. I could go on a rant about capitalism. But as I sit here typing on a ridiculously expensive laptop with all the ridiculously expensive accessories, I'm going to just leave capitalism, as a whole, alone for the moment. I want to think more about it in terms of possessions and why our success in capitalism is based on how much we have. For most of you who know me, you know that I love music from the 90s and if it is anything current, it still sounds like it is from the 90s. There is a Pearl Jam song that if I ever get married, I would love to hear at my wedding, even though it isn't the most romantic, it is certainly very apt. The phrase in "Just Breathe" goes "I'm a lucky man, to count on both hands the ones I love." It popped in my head when I was thinking about "having it all" since I don't want to measure my success by how much I have, but rather how much I've loved, seen, laughed, inspired, mentored, etc. I told my son today that I was exercising because I wanted to make sure I could be around him for as long as possible. So while it meant that we couldn't play for an hour at that moment, we would be able to play for years later. And that's my "have."

2) All of it. When I was pregnant, I immediately thought of my friend's mother, an indigenous woman who has helped other women in their pregnancies. We didn't do typical doula things. Rather, we talked for hours at her home while picking vegetables in her large garden. She and her family have been composting and gardening for decades. I always left with enough vegetables for a week, or until my next visit. When my son was born, I needed some help with care and I thought of her and her other daughter who was beginning her third year of college. When I asked her daughter what she would like to paid for the summer, she came up with an extremely low amount. I said that I would never feel comfortable paying her that. She responded that she only worked in the summer for money she would need during the first semester of school. She said that she didn't need rent, food, or money for clothes and that this would just be money for an occasional movie or hanging out with friends. I said that I still felt bad about the amount. So she offered that she would keep my phone number, in case she needed a care package or advice about school and that would be more than enough. It reminded me of what her mother used to do when I was pregnant, with the vegetables and advice. It made me think differently about when it does come to "having" things, all is enough.

My dad used to take me, my brother, and my cousins on bike rides around the Bay on the weekends or to the zoo or one of the many things the Bay has to offer. We lived in a modest house and didn't a ton of things. We had an answering machine that my uncle made and my parents owned cars for decades. My brother and I joked about the one pair of shoes we got per school year until we started becoming avid runners; then it was two pairs. My parents never missed a parent/teacher night and my mother was notorious for showing up at school unannounced just to see what we were doing. She knew my teachers by their first names and they often chatted regularly in Spanish about life back home. They raised money for the school and showed up to all of our competitions and events. My dad once asked me if I would like to have the things that my friends had: the large house, nice cars, and designer clothes. At the time, that was "all." Before I could answer, he said that the large house would mean no furniture and parents who were dog tired and couldn't show up to things. He said that was one of the biggest things that disappointed him about this country--people came here, risking everything, just to work themselves to death to give their kids things they didn't need and probably didn't want. He said that while he would have preferred to raise us in Central America, we were here but that didn't mean we would be raised with American values, such as greed.

I think about an interview with Zach de la Rocha when he asked about being a vegetarian. He said "there is more than enough food out there to eat that I don't have to be a part of the death cycle of an animal." I was drawn to that statement in part because that was similar to my reasoning behind being a vegan for so many years and also because one can see how wanting, and desiring to have everything, has made people sick and unhappy. There is plenty of everything out there for all of us to have what we want, including the time to have what we need in our relationships, family, and friends.

I used to go to Nicaragua every year. I really looked forward to that trip. In part, it was a vacation. But it was also an opportunity to spend time with grandfather who has since passed. Prior to my visit, I would peruse my J.Crew catalog for the latest lounge, vacation wear and buy the newest sandals, bathing suits, and dresses to take with me. But in the two weeks of my trip, between hours on the beach, chatting with my grandfather, visiting my grandmother's grave, trying to guess the recipes of my favorite dishes, drinking local beer at the small bars, and visiting the elementary school, I didn't wear even half of the clothes. I actually left most of them behind. I thought I went on the trip having it all, but found that I gained it all while I was there.

The Atlantic, Part Deux

I now reconsider my previous position on the Atlantic article. I'm not mad at you, feminism!

The Atlantic

I've been mulling over this article from The Atlantic. And it seems as though I'm not the only one. I wanted to start this post making reference to the article since it might explain my absence from my blog for so long. The article strikes a cord with me because I feel like the last year, at minimum, has been about me trying to find that work/life balance, something that seems about as elusive as anything can be. I bought the actual magazine--I know that sounds odd on its own--while grocery shopping at Whole Foods, with my toddler asleep in the cart, having just come from a meeting about my leadership potential, a meeting to which I had to bring my son, who dutifully watched PBS on our iPad as if he knew mama was talking about our future right now so I need to be quiet.

Although I'd seen many Facebook posts about the article, no time seemed more appropriate to take the plunge and read what someone else was saying about what I was trying to figure out. One of the people who posted the link to the article is a former colleague from graduate school. She is about to begin a tenure-track position at a university. I gave up that possibility, in part due to my awareness that academia was not for me and the other part due to my committee feeling my pregnancy was too much of a distraction. I'll probably be bitter about that forever. I found it ironic though that the person who posted the link, and made a comment that this was something she was really thinking about now that she was beginning a pretty intense part of her career, is the same person who told me to stop complaining about my swollen feet and waddling during my second trimester because I wasn't "that pregnant" and later said that my family was evidence of my "lack of commitment" to my studies. Oh how the tides have turned. Interesting how that always seems to happen.

So I read "Why Women Still Can't Have It All" while my son was napping and did a quick inventory of who am I and where I'm trying to go. I'm attached to my iPad, as of late. The iBooks app is most used and has everything from the 50 Shades trilogy to the most recent Toni Morrison novel and tons of books on management and leadership including Moneyball and Steve Jobs (I say it's a leadership book). The iTunes app has Gotye's "Somebody That I Used to Know" on repeat (you won't catch me saying I'm not bitter about my relationship break-up). And my P90X app is used everyday, thank you very much. But I started to think about what I would really like to be doing in my spare minutes to myself other than wondering what Christian Grey and Ana Steele are doing at the moment. I immediately thought of my comic and nothing else. I did some quick research and downloaded some apps including a writing app (I've often wondered why I like books with such crappy writing and considered how I could do a much better job in my comic). Other than educating young people in a traditional setting, using comedy as a learning tool is my other passion. And I got started writing my comic.

I then thought about something else from the article, specifically work hours, and how I can still have my passions and raise a son who doesn't go out and rob someone ten years from now. I'm smart enough to figure that out but I'll say, I don't have an answer right now. So when Lil O woke up and ate dinner, I decided we needed to work on his bball skills. He is going to be 3 soon and that isn't too early to start working on his defense and ball-handling. I said "Bubba, you're between me and the hoop (laundry basket) and I'm telling you that I'll fake left and come around you to the right. But if you're watching me, you'll know that I'm going to do that." He giggled but stared at my face. "Alright, I'm going to the left...uh-oh, now right" I said as he started running around me in circles. I then did my best slow motion lay-up into the laundry basket while saying "you left the hoop open" and he fell out laughing only interrupted by "you did it!!" And I thought, I definitely need to figure this out because I won't go another day without hearing that giggle.

The Social Network

People often times ask me why I've been in school so long. When I talk about how I just like to learn, they never believe me. But I have to say, it's almost midnight and this is what I've been doing for the last four hours since the baby went to sleep:

1. Finished watching "The Social Network."
2. Thought about the accuracy in film and how I didn't have the benefit of one of my favorite History Channel programs that dismantles the myths in movies.
3. Went on Wikipedia to do something not called research.
4. Spent a good amount of time on there, clicking around and reading this and that. I'm still not sure what final clubs are at Harvard, by the way. And why do they have to do all that secret ish? And on another note, I spent helllllllla days researching those Harvard secret societies once. But anyway...
5. Thought the best way to "research" would be to do so I farted around Facebook for a while.

I saw an invitation for a viewing that I should attend this weekend; something else about a car accident that killed some wonderful people whom I never had the pleasure of meeting; something else about native lands being stolen...again. I saw in my list of friends a number of people who have passed recently and obviously could not take down their pages. I saw some "friends" who I haven't spoken to in so long and I frankly don't want to...And I thought, this thing is depressing! What's so good about opening the world to whatever communication deal Zuckerburg keeps saying. That mess is wack.

And then I got to thinking about how the internet has actually changed the way we communicate, what we communicate and why we communicate. Some of it is surface--our answers are quick and void of feeling. My dad, for example, would never let us as kids say "I don't know" because he felt that we weren't taking the time to know. I don't even want to tell him about the time-efficiency in IDK. And some of it goes deeper--In high school, I used to practice telling jokes. It's a true science in reading people and understanding why we laugh: did they say "that's funny" or did they actually laugh? Now, I don't even make guesses because I won't know anyone's reaction in the blogworld! To something else entirely--how and why would I perpetuate the sort of falseness of my facebook friends in real life? Would I really attend a viewing for someone I haven't seen in fifteen years if I didn't see the outpouring of support on his Facebook wall? Would I be this discouraged about my supposed lack of academic success as I transition between programs if I didn't see the progress of my colleagues in their doctoral programs? And what does it say about us, as a people, not about our communication skills, but rather our narcissism, thinking everyone everywhere wants to know what we are doing and feeling, only the good things, or only the tremendously sad?

Marin

I know this may sound strange and keep it real, I've said some strange things before. But I'm feeling extra Black these days. I mean, I felt this way before, but lately, it's extra Black. There have been other times, like when I won the Gift of Blackness award in the third grade. That was definitely a Black moment. Or when I ran faster than my peers because, according to my teammate, Black people's muscle develop larger and much earlier. Extra Black that day mostly because dude had his thesis so laid out, I was starting to believe that ish! Feeling Black isn't part of the daily since I don't walk around with a mirror in front of my face. I notice other people who aren't Black and that almost seems stranger to me: it's raining, why isn't his hair curling up? I gave that "you know what I'm saying" look and didn't get a response--what a weirdo! Things like that.

So I know it might seem like an obvious statement to say that I feel like that mirror is being held in front of me every time I step foot in Marin county. Marin is an interesting place. As you enter from the East Bay, you have to pass Chevron oil refineries, San Quentin on the left and the canal (home to the immigrants who clean the houses, mow the lawns, and mind the children) on the right. Next, you go over this hill and there it is, like you just came up on the Emerald City, Marin County. You can spit in any direction and find a multi-million dollar home, with the CEO of some mega-company or super celebrity or some other new money. Your sad face doesn't have to be too sad to get one of them to cut you a check for five figures. Their concern for the [insert one: whales, bald eagle, grass, or wind] is only matched by their concern for the mad obscure village in South America they just happened to visit during their last family vacay to Machu Pichu. I know I sound bitter, but the means-well set gets on my damn nerves, especially when I have to interact with them everyday. They don't make it a secret when they meet me and ask for my pedigree. When I tell them, there response is "oh, okay" and they proceed to introduce themselves. They'll write a check for education having gone to college just to meet their future husband, knowing jack shit about pedagogy, only that their bleeding heart needs some healing.

The one thing that could possibly we worse than the mega-rich in Marin are the regular folk in Marin, the regular middle class folks, with a chip on their shoulder bigger than Mt. Tamalpais. Imagine being the school teachers, grocery clerks, pizza delivery people to the mega-rich, having to interact with their arrogance all damn day. You might sound slightly angry, annoyed, bitter...you might sound like me. But at the very least, I get to drive back to the East Bay, over a bridge with San Francisco on my right, the Port of Oakland in front of me, polluting the beautiful Bay in between. I've really been bitter for years: pissed off that I have to shop at Whole Foods for some decent food so I don't get some mystery cancer; angry that I have to travel hella far to get my hair products; annoyed that the "Obama is my homeboy" t-shirt only comes in 3X...but I used to have people around me who can share in this...and they aren't in Marin.

Darkness!

I think about my identity these days in hindsight. I imagine working with school-aged young people and watching them develop their own identities would do that to someone. In a meeting with the students of color yesterday, they were creating cross-the-line statements to ask at their next general body meeting. The first statement was "Cross the line if someone accused you of being on financial aid." Some of them started to discuss all the different times this has happened to them erroneously, in a room with students who are actually on financial aid. I asked, "so what if someone is on financial aid--this place is damn expensive!" Real quick, on the expense point, let me give you some comparisons. When I was in undergrad, NYU was the most expensive BS you could buy (and it still is). The high school where I work now costs more than NYU did then.

Back to the story. Some of the young people didn't understand my critique so I gave them an example. When I was a kid, everyone would say that I was Black. My response would be an emphatic "no I"m not!" as though something was terribly wrong with being Black. A more appropriate answer, and the one I use today, is "Yes I am and Black people come from all over the place." It reminded me also of the Dave Chappelle skit with Charlie Murphy recalling his days with Eddie Murphy and Rick James when Rick James kept calling the brothers "Darkness" because they were the darkest brothers in Hollywood at the time (this is before Wesley Snipes). Charlie Murphy's response? He punches Rick James. I thought black is beautiful; what's he punching dude for? And then I remembered the election, when everyone kept pushing, Obama isn't a Muslim, rather than saying what's wrong with being Muslim? Or how we correct young people now when they say "that's so gay"--What's wrong with being gay?

And then I began thinking what messages these young folks of color are learning about what is wrong with their identities. As the token Darkness Adult on this campus, I feel it. All the time. To whiteness and wealth, Black is cool, because they don't encounter it aside from the images on cable. And with whiteness and wealth comes the idea that they have access to anything. So my dreads are just so cool, they have to have them too! And is that a rapper on her t-shirt? I need that t-shirt too! Did she say "what up, foo?" to that other Black kid? I'm going to say it too! I've watched these future CEOs, inventors, politicians get up in front of the entire campus and say "She right there, she my N..." or "I'm fit'na' hit that." While I, Adult Darkness, glance at all of the Youth Darkness (there aren't that many, it takes like a second) and we shake our heads, rub our chins, and shrug our shoulders.

The group leaders of the people of color clubs began the year by listing all of the goals for the year. One stood out to me: I want them to know I am not like the Black kid on the corner. In a class where I visited, I confronted a student: what's wrong with the Black kid on the corner? "He's just ignorant." "Why?" "Because he can't pull his pants up." I looked at his sagging pants as the other students in the class looked confused. I could read their faces: isn't he one of them? They think you're one of them, I wanted to tell him. They notice that you drop the -r at the end of your words. They notice that you tip your hat to the side. They notice that you practice your dance moves at lunch time instead of buying the $10 organic, free-range entree that they did. They notice that your backpack isn't the newest, designer piece on the market. They notice that you take that bus back to Richmond at the end of the day. And they think it's so cool.

Where the heck have I been!?

Dang. Most of my posts as of late have to do with me not putting up posts. So here is another one of those. But you know I love those top ten lists, so here is a top ten of things I have done and learned in the last few months.

1. I've become super homies with RuPaul. I was trying to save a buck and ended up getting another cable provider (they aren't paying me so I'm saying which one). And this new cable provider happened to have a ton of new channels, including LoGo with a bunch of RuPaul shows. RuPaul's Drag Race and RuPaul's Drag U...love it! Everyone say "love"!

2. I'm also into satellite radio now with my super long commute into Richie Rich-ville each day. And I never thought I'd say, but I'm really liking Oprah Radio. I didn't really appreciate all the hype about her season premiere, just watching a bunch of people getting to go on a trip while my ass was on the couch. Not fun. But her radio channel, not so bad.

3. I've renewed my love for Rachel Maddow. She's been doing a lot of great pieces on Don't Ask, Don't Tell and the Tea Party. Really insightful ish.

4. And my last thing about TV...what's up with those Salahis on the Real Housewives of DC? I am thoroughly confused.

5. California: we are jacked up when it comes to the governor's spot this next election. I can't stand Jerry Brown. Bill Maher once said that the so-called liberals of today would have been the moderates a decade ago and Jerry Brown is no exception. Trust me, I'm not asking for someone so far to the left that s/he doesn't wear shoes to work and lives in a tree-house in the redwoods somewhere, but dang, can I get someone that will have a NaS vision for the prisons, mixed with a little Moby on the environment (really, not too much), with some Peter Tosh "legalize it" vibe leading to some "border? what border?" MEChista stuff? I mean, is that too much?

6. PhDs...I'll save my commentary for that later. I will say this tough: many of you know I have a weird compulsion that comes up when I'm super stressed out. I start brushing my teeth like a maniac. Yes, it is weird. Currently even strangers are stopping me to comment on how white my teeth are...

7. Babies are the cutest people on the planet. I can't tell you the guilt I have when I think I'm not doing the right thing by my little man. But, I would like to edit a previous point about making your own baby food. Baby daddy does that...and let me tell you, nothing kills baby cute more than what happens when they've eaten too many vegetables. I make this same mistake every day: hey, did he poop? And then I put my nose right up against his bottom. When I'm done tearing up, convulsing, and gagging, he has already added to it. Vegetables are bad.

8. Working up in Richie Rich-ville has definitely highlighted a number of inconsistencies I have with whiteness. For example, I felt that I got dressed up today because I put on my penny loafers with my ripped jeans and hoodie. Some kid is missing school today for a horse show. My response was "what's that?" Answer: Equestrian. Question: Ok....what's that? I feel like not being too in the know on these matters maintains some of my street cred.

9. I've been making fun of Bay Area liberals for so long that I turned into one. Dammit. I was driving the Prius, with my iPhone hooked up, listening to some multi-genre, multi-ethnic band from the city, eating my organic fruit from some farm in Sonoma, with my mixed kid sitting in the back, using my free hand to re-twist a lock that is conditioned with nuts and berries probably from that same farm in Sonoma and I said to myself "look at yourself! Get a grip!" And decided we should have McDonald's for dinner. Had a hard time finding a damn McDonald's in Richie Rich-ville though. Dammit.

10. Upset with myself about becoming too much like the liberals I make fun of out here, I decided to do a clean-up of my iPhone apps. I figured if I didn't whip it out all the time, I wouldn't be such a token, right? I couldn't part with the NPR one, or even iObama or Obama '08 (I need to know what baby daddy alternate is up to). I also couldn't say goodbye to the Huffington Post app or Rachel Maddow. How else would I know what Sean Penn thinks about the world? I'm keeping my Constitution app in case I need to reference it with the cops. Not sure how that scenario will play out but I figure having a digital copy of it wouldn't hurt. Kept Pandora for the indy music. All I could get rid of were the NBA, NCAA, and NFL apps and that was only because the ESPN app has all that. I'm ashamed, people. I need an iPhone addict hotline. Holler if you know one.