To take from the homie, Aaron McGruder of the Boondocks, a "nigga device" is one that you can not hook up to a printer. Thus, the Bluetooth is a nigga device. For all the people I see wearing those things, I have yet to see one, just one, actually receive the call s/he so seems intent on getting. For anyone who knows me, you may have heard me clown a time or two on the blinking blue light seen in the ear of someone in a movie theater, the store, or while giving a lecture at a large public university in the Bay Area (hint, hint). But it is especially poignant to mention my favorite nigga device on the eve of the greatest conspiracy ever devised. It includes Apple, the California Highway Patrol and I'll throw in Rudy Giulliani for good measure. It's the new handsfree cell phone while driving law, in effect tomorrow. I decided to try "handsfree living" for a few days and found it to be virtually impossible with the iPhone unless I walked around with my headphones in, never hooked it up to the car for the iPod portion, and am already on the phone as answering, and even hanging up the phone would require one's hands. I am not opposed to safe driving and I also realize this is just a gripe about my iPhone, another nigga device. But I will not cave and buy a Bluetooth! And I also will not be answering my phone.
Add this to Webster or Rogets (and you only get a little bit at a time):
Negra-free Zone=most of San Francisco and Marin counties ex: I have to hit up Bloomingdales in the Negra-Free Zone.
Celia Cruz Face=what Black women look like when we get our make-up done at mall counters (much love and respect to Celia Cruz though) ex: I got Celia Cruz Face when I got my make-up done for a wedding.
Too Oprah=acting like money can change everything ex: Magic Johnson is way too Oprah with Magic Fridays, Magic's Starbucks, and Magic's theater in Crenshaw.
Jolie-ified=trying too hard to be multi-cultural ex: They Jolie-ified the party with lumpia, chips & salsa, and a samba band.
Don't Taze Me, Bro=ease up ex: Person 1--You seem to enjoy eating a lot. Person 2--Don't taze me, bro! I have a high metabolism.
Michelle Obama=homegirl/road dog ex: My Michelle Obama is the only one who told me I looked fat in those jeans.
Super-Size Me=over 6'5" ex: I only want to date someone who is super size-me so I can wear heels sometimes.
Revolution!=Yes or I agree or see you later or hello or thank you or you're welcome; it means most anything and may now be televised ex: The Lakers need to quit feeling sorry for themselves and get more than one decent player. Revolution!
Although I can't be any happier with who I found online, I do have to emphasize that it took more than two years of buying into those commercials oozing with romance, smiles, and that creepy Dr. Warren's voice from eHarmony. So I decided to save the homegirls a little time and money (sorry fellas, you all seem to be on a different level when it comes to dating online and sorry for being heterosexist here as well). So here are the top ten things to watch out for and remember when dating online!
10. Online dating is a business. They do not really care if you find your soul mate, otherwise that ish would be free. So making you be extra strict about your criteria is all about getting that skrilla! Besides, think about your last great relationship. Didn't you have some interesting differences that most people wouldn't describe as "compatible" or whatever other coded word that really just means, "the same"? Snooze!
9. Dudes can't communicate. This isn't rocket science but this makes things interesting online where communication is key. Ironic? So you absolutely have to read through things, ask hella questions, and call folks out!
8. A guy who is 35, never married, with the fresh job and living quarters, who surfs/rock climbs/ saves the dolphins on the weekend, has dated a lot but just can't find the right combination of smarts, beauty, independence and volunteerism...is single for a reason. He is really just waiting for Angelina Jolie to be single. Leave dude alone.
7. Really look at those pictures. I mean really look. Dudes have some weird sense of how they should put themselves out there. So you'll find the obligatory pictures: at the office being mad diligent and responsible (good for you, player!); with the homies having a good time (cheers, suckas!); and with hella well-endowed multi-cultural sistas at Hooters, an A's game, or Target (what the?!) Come on, man! Or there is one picture of dude hella far away on Mt. Everest and the rest of the pictures are of a dog, butterflies, or Harleys. Not attractive. Leave dude alone. Also be wary of the pictures where dude is not smiling (he is toothless or has mega-jacked up teeth or no sense of humor) or is not standing next to anything that one can use as a reference point (he is hella short).
6. When the online dating page has preset questions, trust your instincts with the responses. So when dude is asked "name five of the most important aspects/things in your life" and dude can't say one human (e.g. cell phone, Wall St. Journal, etc.), leave dude alone.
5. No picture, no date! And conversely, be sure to put up pictures of yourself and when dude asks you to send him more, leave dude alone.
4. The online dating is the dating. Remember when you were asked out in the grocery store and dude asked questions like: what do you do? where are you from? It's not to say that the first meeting isn't another date and you should take it slow, because you absolutely should, but make conversation that goes deeper, rather than repeating getting to know you ish.
3. Remember, some dudes will pay hella money under the guise of online dating and say they are on some long-term ish, but really just be looking for a piece of ass for the night. You know who dude is. Kindly refer him to the "Casual Encounters" page on Craigslist and remind him that it is free.
2. Don't let dude rationalize anything. If you don't want to date a 55 year old fisherman in Alaska, then you don't have to. Period. No explanations.
1. We are in the Bay Area. This means that you'll get some dudes who are into Rastas and Buddhists or pre-surgery, post-hormones guys/girls or Silicon Valley techies. That's love. But then you'll see white dudes who want "sexy sistas only" or "china dolls" or "spicy J.Lo-like Latinas." They are pigs. The bottom line is that you can totally take advantage of all that the Bay is selling, get to know someone you would have never interacted with before, without judgement! It's all good.
I am just wondering what one has to do (or better, not do) to be a levee-builder. Or maybe those things don't work! We had the levees in New Orleans bust open a few years ago and now the Mid-west looks more like Venice than anywhere else. Or maybe folks weren't prepared for the end of the world this early (thanks Al Gore!). That's it...just a quick note to encourage folks to save the planet.
First, don't get me wrong. I'm all about a cause and I appreciate folks who do what they have to do to get the job done. With that said, sometimes sitting in a tree for a year and half (no really, that long, no showers or toilets) isn't the right thing to do. When I hear about the tree-sitters, rarely do I think, "dang, we have to save the oaks!" Mostly, I think, if one of those stinky people throws a bag of piss at me...oh, believe, it's done!
So here are ten things you can do when you want to protest against the man but want to keep your sexy: 10. Be sure the homies are down. If they are your homies, they will say either "let me know when and I'm there" or "Naw, man. That's some bullshit." 9. Nothing says you mean it like having a (full-time) job. Having nothing to lose and being available to sit in a tree for a year and a half does nothing for your credibility. 8. Be sure that the means don't outweigh the cause. Last I checked, those trees weren't meant to have folks living in them, despite what the Shrek movies may lead us to believe. I bet if those trees could talk, they would say, "yo dog, I can't breath. Get the fuck off!" 7. Take the bone they throw you, especially if it's a big ass bone. If they promise to move the trees and you don't believe, sign up to help them move the trees. 6. Think of the larger picture. If the issue is native burial grounds, then you have a whole bunch of trees, schools, government offices, stores, and malls to sit in. 5. Be mad at the right thing: capitalism. That little bit of land spells cha-ching for the university through the athletics department. Go sit in the money office or the head football coach's office (the highest paid public employee in the state). 4. Think: will this hurt the black man or what would Obama do? Either question really gets to the meat of it--will your actions hurt regular folks in some way? Take away a scholarship from some needy kid? Cause someone to take a crazy detour just to get home or to class? 3. Think about the TV crews. Do you want to look hella busted on TV, even the local news? I mean, even the hippies don't want doo-doo on their pants when KRON is interviewing them. 2. Consider the audience. The folks going to watch Cal games most likely don't give a hoot what you are yelling at them unless it's "Go Stanford!" Save your voice for the suits. 1. Where's Al? Nothing says "important cause" like the Rev. Al Sharpton! Do what you have to do to make the cause Sharpton-relevant so that the good reverend will be out there with his megaphone. And then be really prepared with #3 and #4.
As I never want to disappoint my public, I have decided to create a blog. As all of you are dying to know what up with the V-Dawg, now you can stop your tripping, relax, say "ommm," and read all about it. Choco (half canine, half crazy) is tired of listening to me anyway, I'm sure, especially since he just twists his head and runs away when I start going on and on about everything from the homie Obama to online dating, to how everyone is in cahoots to make me feel fat (see, I'm not actually fat). By the way, when I am no longer "fat," I will also work to make other not "fat" people feel "fat" so that I can be rich, like that guy who created Apple and take over the world! So that's it party people. Put on your seatbelts, get your sunscreen, and be ready!