Online Dating

Although I can't be any happier with who I found online, I do have to emphasize that it took more than two years of buying into those commercials oozing with romance, smiles, and that creepy Dr. Warren's voice from eHarmony. So I decided to save the homegirls a little time and money (sorry fellas, you all seem to be on a different level when it comes to dating online and sorry for being heterosexist here as well). So here are the top ten things to watch out for and remember when dating online!

10. Online dating is a business. They do not really care if you find your soul mate, otherwise that ish would be free. So making you be extra strict about your criteria is all about getting that skrilla! Besides, think about your last great relationship. Didn't you have some interesting differences that most people wouldn't describe as "compatible" or whatever other coded word that really just means, "the same"? Snooze!

9. Dudes can't communicate. This isn't rocket science but this makes things interesting online where communication is key. Ironic? So you absolutely have to read through things, ask hella questions, and call folks out!

8. A guy who is 35, never married, with the fresh job and living quarters, who surfs/rock climbs/ saves the dolphins on the weekend, has dated a lot but just can't find the right combination of smarts, beauty, independence and volunteerism...is single for a reason. He is really just waiting for Angelina Jolie to be single. Leave dude alone.

7. Really look at those pictures. I mean really look. Dudes have some weird sense of how they should put themselves out there. So you'll find the obligatory pictures: at the office being mad diligent and responsible (good for you, player!); with the homies having a good time (cheers, suckas!); and with hella well-endowed multi-cultural sistas at Hooters, an A's game, or Target (what the?!) Come on, man! Or there is one picture of dude hella far away on Mt. Everest and the rest of the pictures are of a dog, butterflies, or Harleys. Not attractive. Leave dude alone. Also be wary of the pictures where dude is not smiling (he is toothless or has mega-jacked up teeth or no sense of humor) or is not standing next to anything that one can use as a reference point (he is hella short).

6. When the online dating page has preset questions, trust your instincts with the responses. So when dude is asked "name five of the most important aspects/things in your life" and dude can't say one human (e.g. cell phone, Wall St. Journal, etc.), leave dude alone.

5. No picture, no date! And conversely, be sure to put up pictures of yourself and when dude asks you to send him more, leave dude alone.

4. The online dating is the dating. Remember when you were asked out in the grocery store and dude asked questions like: what do you do? where are you from? It's not to say that the first meeting isn't another date and you should take it slow, because you absolutely should, but make conversation that goes deeper, rather than repeating getting to know you ish.

3. Remember, some dudes will pay hella money under the guise of online dating and say they are on some long-term ish, but really just be looking for a piece of ass for the night. You know who dude is. Kindly refer him to the "Casual Encounters" page on Craigslist and remind him that it is free.

2. Don't let dude rationalize anything. If you don't want to date a 55 year old fisherman in Alaska, then you don't have to. Period. No explanations.

1. We are in the Bay Area. This means that you'll get some dudes who are into Rastas and Buddhists or pre-surgery, post-hormones guys/girls or Silicon Valley techies. That's love. But then you'll see white dudes who want "sexy sistas only" or "china dolls" or "spicy J.Lo-like Latinas." They are pigs. The bottom line is that you can totally take advantage of all that the Bay is selling, get to know someone you would have never interacted with before, without judgement! It's all good.