Pregnancy

Whoa! Where have I been?! Pregnant. I pretty much blame everything, good or bad, on the fetus in my ever-expanding belly! Oh, I'm glowing? That's the baby. Did I forget to hand something in? Baby. Attitude problem? Well, I'm only getting ready to give birth so excuse me!!

I've had some really good days but mostly, I've been in some real pain. In the beginning, I was feeling awful: headaches, nausea, very tired and emotional. The back pain started around then but in the second trimester, the headaches and backaches became something different. One week, I was in excruciating pain: my abs felt like I was back in my track days doing a million crunches a day; my back and tailbone just weren't trying to participate in anything; and hips...like one of those Jigsaw movies when dude puts a contraption on the victim's hips and goes for it. And then it was over and I looked down and I was officially showing. The baby had moved.

Showing has been interesting for me, because--keeping it real--my stomach hasn't been in the best of conditions as of late. So when I knew I wasn't showing, folks would pat my gut and say "ahhhh, baby!" And I would just think, dang V, you have to get it together after the baby is born. I must also admit that I was showing way before the books said one would. But those pats when I was about six or eight weeks...all bad.

Anyway, here is a list of the top ten things I didn't know until I was pregnant:

10. Suddenly my mom didn't have any issues during pregnancy including a labor that lasted all of twenty minutes...both times.

9. Those stores don't grow a heart just because you are trying to have a baby. As a matter of fact, they really try to rob you blind with a lot of cutsie crap that no kid of mine would sport as long as I have anything to say about it.

8. I am really not liking the return of my acne from 1990.

7. Everything suddenly becomes a hazard: pants that are too long one might trip; every food item imaginable including Subway sandwiches; and non-organic food (Brian's addition). And if you have a mother like mine, you can't even walk in the rain or she'll report you to Child Services.

6. Reaching for a glass on the top shelf causes breach babies.

5. Wearing pants that cut across your belly will cause the baby to be born with a line across her/his head.

4. The reason a tiny baby arm doesn't pop out while you are on the toilet is because a jelly plug is in the way.

3. My cravings for potstickers mean that I am having a Chinese baby.

2. I have all kinds of belly-marks, including a dark line that runs the length of my belly, that make me keep my belly pictures to myself.

1. The gas!