Afro-Latina

This is one of those blogs that I have thought about doing before but I haven't quite gotten around to it. I was at a party tonight and a typical thing happened. Some guy came towards the end, and the one person who knew him, did the polite thing and introduced me:

"This is Vielka."
"Dee-el-ka?"
"No, with a V. Vielka. She's Central American too, from Nicaragua."
He started with my feet and gave me a slow long look over. By the time he got to my face, his mean mug was only matched by my own. Why the hell was he looking me up and down? I was already a bit annoyed. I know people feel obligated to share my family history with strangers who don't seem to get it, and that makes me uncomfortable. But the inevitable next few minutes are the worst.

So I walk across the room to avoid having to ask a fool something about the look on his face and I hear the person who introduced me say "She's a Black Nicaraguan. There are Black people in Nicaragua," hella loud over the music. And then I catch him looking at me again, he still looks upset, like I've robbed him of something.

I've encountered this situation many times. I almost feel like it has happened multiple times in a day. If someone isn't explaining my name, they feel some strange obligation to explain a plethora of other things with "she's Nicaraguan":
She likes to read.
She listens to music in Spanish.
She does well in school.
She doesn't sound that ghetto when she talks.
She has immigrant parents.
She has never eaten grits.

She's Nicaraguan.
She's Nicaraguan.
She's Nicaraguan...as if to say, she isn't really Black. Or as some people have said, not that Black.

The person who did my hair last month explained to me that I was an "acceptable" Black person, like Barack Obama, having parents who did not grow up in this country. "You all don't hate America yet, you don't have that chip on your shoulder." I answered with "I would like to see a Nicaraguan in this country that doesn't have a chip on his or her shoulder" and that ended that conversation.

The thing I hate most--and trust me, the explaining away is pretty close to the top--is having to prove an identity. So I get asked to speak Spanish quite a bit. It usually goes like "You're Nicaraguan? Speak Spanish then." Speaking Spanish has become such a spectacle for me, I won't even do it when I have to. When I worked at Burger King in high school, one of the managers asked if I could translate "please mop the floor" for the guys in the back. Another manager ran across the "restaurant" to hear me say it in Spanish, so I said "please mop the floor" instead of "por favor, mopiar el piso." I told the manager that I didn't understand why she had to run across the dining area like that, causing most everyone to turn and stare at me. When people ask me to speak Spanish, just to prove I am who I say I am, I tell them how insulting that is. Since I work with young people a lot, I take the time to explain why I won't do it, in case they run into another Afro-Latino one day.

If I'm not asked to prove I'm Nicaraguan, I'm covertly asked to prove my Blackness. I've been asked how to prepare collard greens and grits on countless occasions even though I have no clue. I've been asked about Black colloquialisms, still mostly without a clue. I've been asked to attend certain meetings or become parts of groups for African Americans and I have made people angry when I decline this invitation for a Latino function. What I know of the Black experience in this country is from what I've read or what my father taught me when I was younger. I know about the Black immigrant, Afro-Latino experience.

As of late, I have also been asked to prove an Afro-Latino identity, as people start to see more and more African-descended people from Latin America. But in these cases, I'm asked to play capoeira or dance samba and merengue. I'm not too mad at this since we are in the general area at least, but all Afro-Latinos are not made the same.

My family is from Bluefields on the Atlantic Coast of Nicaragua. Bluefields and Corn Islands in Nicaragua, along with Limon in Costa Rica and some of Colon's Black population in Panama, are part of the same migration from San Andres island in Colombia. San Andres is actually much closer to Corn Island than mainland Colombia. Most Black people in Nicaragua and Costa Rica can trace their ancestors to San Andres. During a recent conference in San Andres, the hotel people kept telling me about all the Hoys on the island. One person came by and even drew my family tree for me. If that wasn't validation enough, the conference was the Caribbean Studies Association held in San Andres, a place they deemed, along with Bluefields, the capital of the Western Caribbean. Some people have said that Bluefields is figuratively closer to Jamaica than Managua, the capital of Nicaragua. To say that I am from Bluefields was not a shock to anyone there; actually, it made perfect sense.

This is what I do now. I'm working on my PhD, discussing the experience of Afro-Latinos in California. My cousin often times reminds me that a lot of people are waiting for me to finish, so that I can tell their story, so that we don't have to explain constantly who we are. Another friend once said to me that I will be the first Nicaraguan PhD that she knows and most definitely the first Afro-Nicaraguan one. The pressure is immense but when I have experiences like I had tonight, it is well worth it.

My Newsweek Cover

My parents are avid Newsweek readers. They ditched Time when OJ was on the cover looking too dark. I'm sure the operator who deals with Time subscriptions wasn't ready for my mom's call to stop sending Time magazine to the house. He probably quit after hearing "Time magazine is racist" over and over again from my mother in her Nicaraguan Coast accent.

So my parents got me on Newsweek. I enjoy the commentary, the comics and quotes of the week. Good stuff. But this week, I sure wasn't ready when I opened my mailbox to find a MAD close-up of Sarah Palin, so close you can see the brand of eyeglass frames (get those product placement dollars!). I stared at it for a minute and just said "damn" and shook my head. When I put the magazine down, I was sure to put it face-down, not to accidentally peep that cover again.

I'm not mad at her. We all have pore issues, a few facial hairs that we prefer the world not blog about, and a wrinkle or two (although black doesn't crack so that's an issue for someone else, not me). She has the foundation caked on but her lipliner is on point. A little dos mucho with the eyeliner for my taste, but whatever. But just as when Gwen Stefani busted out with those Harajuku girls who speak English but aren't allowed to in Stefani's presence, I thought, someone has to be saying something about this one.

And they are. Those Republicans are hot! But check it. They are mad because it is such an flattering picture of her and as Fox News said, none of the other candidates have had to deal with such an unflattering cover. Really? Don't get me started! No one else? Straight tripping. Unflattering? That's what she looks like. How can she claim to be a feminist, and then mad when folks see her before her highly painful, expensive, and unnecessary lip waxing?

Listen, I can't stand Sarah Palin. I really am thinking of moving out of the country should these fucks cheat again and McCain wins. But as wack as McCain is, Palin only makes it worse. What pisses me off most is when people on both sides of the table say how important she is for little girls, so they can say "I can be Vice President when I grow up." But people don't seem to realize that this "Barbie goes to the White House" image of women is, at the very least, detrimental for young ladies. Palin equals "I can be Vice President and I don't even have to worry about experience or education. I just need to make sure my eyebrows are done and I use my Thigh Master each day."

It's insulting. But the insult isn't just on her part. This country values seen but not heard women. Belle, Ariel, and Snow White. The South hated Hillary Clinton because she talked too much. Oprah talks too much...she's talked her ass right into hella courtrooms. She got sued because she SAID she wouldn't eat beef! If she said that in a tube top, more weave, and while winking, she probably wouldn't have been in the courtroom. Unfortunately, I can go on and on with the examples.

I wouldn't describe myself as a feminist, in the traditional sense: I like marriage, romance, and razors. But I like being smart and letting people know I'm smart. And I aspire to be a politician one day. But when my Newsweek cover comes out, you'll see my pores, zits, and possibly a gold tooth.

http://www.accesshollywood.com/content/images/76/230x306/76741_sarah-palin-on-the-cover-of-newsweek.jpg

Registry, Part I

So with all the homies getting married and having kids in the last year (2008 is definitely the Year of the Zygote), I have been dealing with a lot of registries for all sorts of knife sets, jungle gyms, and coffee makers. And I started thinking that although my own wedding isn't for a good while (stop tripping, I haven't announced anything and I'll announce it when I'm good and ready...and have a ring and a date), I should start thinking about my own registry, especially since it will take a while for some of these items. So here goes:

A "No bitch ass-ness" t-shirt from P.Diddy (make that two)

5 dissertation chapters or get Apple to invent iDissertation

To free Kells for life (he will probably come due for another trial in a few months)

5 minutes with Zach de la Rocha (to give him one last chance to propose)

World peace, an end to world hunger, and Tina Fey doing Sarah Palin impersonations forever

To quarterback for the 49ers. One game. Just to see if I am right and can do a better job.

The Election

It's no secret that I am voting for Obama: I get my daily e-mails and texts from the campaign. I even have an "Obama 08" application on my phone. But with less than a month before the election, I am really wondering why there are so many undecided voters. And why on earth, after these debates, would anyone say things like "neither candidate answered any question" when that's the McCain/Palin strategy, not Obama/Biden or "they didn't talk about healthcare" when they spent a smooth thirty minutes talking about that mess. So I decided (see, making decisions is good) to create a new list. Here goes:

TOP TEN REASONS WHY THERE ARE SO MANY UNDECIDED VOTERS

10. The only way some of these rednecks know to answer those Yankees with their fancy polls and big city cameras and recording devices is to say "I don't know," reminiscent of when those high-falootin' lawyers who would come from the North looking for their civil rights workers in the 60s.

9. The hippies are still working on solar-powered televisions and haven't watched any of the debates, ads, since they don't use anything from the 21st century. Hell, the 20th century too.

8. Wall streeters are still trying to make their multi-million dollar conglomerate appear to be worth less than $250,000 while saying their employees are all robots who don't need health insurance.

7. The pollers are asking folks in the prisons, Guantanamo, or immigration holding cells, who can't vote anyway and have bigger things to worry about.

6. People are still distracted by the smoke and mirrors known as Sarah Palin, falling in love with the winking and dumbass routine, thinking it might be kinda neat to have a White House hockey team with Todd racing his snow machine down Pennsylvania Ave.

5. The Obamas might be too tall, slim and good-looking for the White House while McCain looks like he can barely get up each morning. Who will take a better picture for the peace talks?

4. Ohio and Florida voters still think we are deciding between Bush and some other guy. Can that guy be McCain? What luck!! Two Republicans!

3. Virginia, as a swing state, finally feels important, and wants to keep everyone on their toes to stretch out their 15 minutes of fame.

2. All the polls pass through the hands of Hillary Clinton and Joe Lieberman, who are both hoping the race will be perceived as so close, the candidates will ditch their running mates and pick one of them afterall.

1. They're racist and feel too guilty about saying "The White House needs to remain white" even though that is what they are most definitely thinking.

The Bursar

Dear Tuition Man,

Well first, I'm not sure if you are male or not, I just assumed for some strange reason. Men and money. Hmmmm? Like if Donald Trump were to make a couple billion on the side, would he say, "I need to get into that college tuition MARKET." Somewhere, someone put a monetary value on "In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue" and someone else said, "I really need people to know about that Columbus guy for my high paying job as a cog-maker" and then that first someone said, "Oh well, you know we are the best at teaching people about that Columbus fella. Just look at all the people who went here and work at your company. Why don't you give us some money to keep teaching about that guy and other explorers/rapists" and the second guy said, "Great idea. And name that library after me while you're at it." And then the lowly graduate student gets a so-called highly prestigious fellowship that puts her just mere dollars above the poverty line and then the first someone said, "Well, you can have more. Just tell the undergrads about this Columbus fella. Work so much you can barely get your own work done without developing issues with your eyesight, blood pressure, and overall fat-ass-ness. And we'll give you more money to write an article or two about him and other murderers. And then you can go run that cog-making factory and tell everyone how you went here and how great we are." Or at least I think it went like that.

Signed,
Lowly Grad Student

On dating white people...

I have to put a few disclaimers out there before I get into the list. I can say that I have done the Jesse Jackson Rainbow Coalition of dating just about every color in the rainbow. There were times that I said no to white men because I figured the revolution would not be televised nor would it tolerate me with a white man. But then I watched that damn movie, “Something New” and it got me thinking and I opened the door to white men again. I need to also put my finger on the pulse of whiteness in the Bay for all the folks not from around here. It’s different. I mean, really different. You have older white folks reveling in their days kicking it with Marty, jr. chatting about the direction Marxist thought is going these days. You have younger white folks singing about Babylon while coming from their yoga class on their way to make samozas for the Sabbath. Trust me, it’s different out here. And I ain’t mad at them…typically…unless they have locks and that’s another story. Otherwise, they’re great: voting for Obama; expressing their disdain for charity, celebrity, and conservatism; saving the whales and stopping the spray. Bless them! Lastly, I had to convince B that I didn’t think he is racist. Now that all of that is taken care of, here are top ten things that I have learned or am now able to put into words by dating white people:

10. Racist thought is masked under the guise of getting to know people of color: “He is Latino so he learned to be sexist. It’s a cultural difference.”

9. Not all people of color (especially Cubans, Nicaraguans, Salvadorans, North Koreans and South Vietnamese) are pinko-commies or riding that liberal/radical train: “I don’t know what Clarence Thomas’ problem is. Isn’t he Black?”

8. Or that when people of color express these viewpoints, there are repercussions unlike those that white people receive: “If I were a Sandinista, I would just tell the world. I wouldn’t hide it.”

7. White folks (okay, most folks in this country) are a little clueless when it comes to maps, history, etc. as evidenced in this actual question that one asked me: “When was your family freed from slavery? I bet they were freed and then they could come to the United States. Maybe thirty years ago.”

6. It isn’t cute, funny, or entertaining in any way for White folks, especially the likes of the wealthy ones, to joke about the ghetto, hood, or the third world with phrases such as “that’s so ghetto.”

5. Green is not included as one of the colors in “people of color.” Nixing the car for a bike or paying top dollar to make my home more energy efficient are at the bottom of my “Things to Do to Save the World List” where “End Poverty, War, and Hunger” lead the way. And yes I know they are intertwined but I’m too busy trying to get these kids to stop shooting each other right now, so I need the quick (and cheap) answer.

4. When people of color watch the news, it is with specific questions in mind: “Do I need to use an alias?” “Are they trying to deport me again?” “Do I have to pay more for something?” “Are they going to bug me about joining the military again?” Jon Stewart, Steve Colbert, Bill Maher…all great political satirists (and I enjoy watching them) but sometimes that ish isn’t funny, especially when it directly affects you.

3. Those deep dinner conversations about the effects of slavery or the Hurricane Katrina aftermath make a meal damn un-appetizing.

2. One person of color does not rep for the rest of us. I can’t tell you if we prefer Black/African American or Chicano/Latino/Hispanic/Brown. As for me, I don’t care, as long as it doesn’t sound like this: “I work with a Black, oops I mean, African American [pause to look at me while waiting for a nod of acceptance that they aren’t going to get] man who is just delightful.” Now what do you reply to that? “That’s great” seems to suffice.

1. Even the most hippy-dippy, radical white person thinks in some way that there is an iota of truth to stereotypes. So for the last time, Black people are not inherently good at running and jumping because in Africa they have no choice but to run and jump from wildebeests or some other survival of the fittest mess; not all Latinos speak Spanish and no English, are day-laborers, or undocumented (if we believe everything we are told then there are like five people left in Mexico); and Asians are not inherently good at Math and Science because their parents push them harder than anyone else and because Math and Science are the same in any language (it’s not, ask the Egyptians).

Summer Hiatus

Sorry for the July hiatus, kids. July was just too exciting to do one blog so I didn't do any. Here are my top ten questions for the month of July (and some August):

10. Who is the alcoholic making new flavors for Orbit chewing gum?
9. And how can I get that job?
8. If the writers were on strike in the fall and we had to deal with re-runs, why do they get another vacation and we have to deal with re-runs again?
7. Why can't Jesse Jackson zip his lip? He is the same guy that advised Pres. Clinton about infidelity and it came out that the good reverend was cheating and then he did this entire campaign to stop the n-word only to use in reference to the good senator Obama on Fox News.
6. Since when did Fox News edit something (Jesse and the n-word) to our benefit?
5. Manny Rodriguez might as well play for the damn devil. Okay, not a question, but I had to put that in there.
4. Don't trans fats make doughnuts extra yummy? Thanks, governator.
3. Since Hillary dropped out, can I still be mad at her?
2. Did the Hiltons get their money back from the McCain campaign?
1. And can I have it? This player could use 4Gs.